


How to Save a Life

by Phantoms_Echo



Series: Last Day Again [3]
Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Time Loop, Antidote for APTX, Apotoxin 4869, Conan becomes Shinichi, Graphic Description, Human Experimentation, Insanity, Kaito needs a hug, Kaito's going insane, M/M, Shinichi gives him one, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop, We're along for the ride, accidental murder, lots of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 22:56:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12046044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantoms_Echo/pseuds/Phantoms_Echo
Summary: Kaito looked up, a smile-grimace on his lips, “You know, I would feel bad for the rat that had to die multiple times for those experiments if I didn’t know it’d be alive tomorrow.”Haibara was quiet for a long time, then, “Did I tell you it was a rat?”





	How to Save a Life

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan or Magic Kaito, only the events in this fic.
> 
> PS -WARNING: getting into some dark stuff here, people. I'm trying to make sure the tags catch everything, but I wanted an additional warning to you. Read with caution.
> 
> I feel so sorry for Kaito. I don't know why I'm so mean to him.

Writing down the research took _hours_ , more so since his eidetic mind told him to copy the notes down in Haibara’s handwriting –the way he’d originally read them. It took hours more for the little scientist to read through for the important parts. In the end, as they neared mid-night, she typed up two sheets of paper and handed them to Kaito.

“Memorize these,” she said, “this is all I need to know to start working on the poison and the antidote. Also, if you can find the elements on this list, I would have everything I need to begin working.”

Kaito dutifully committed both research and list to memory, then passed out on the table.

They didn’t call Tantei-kun that day.

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito called Haibara when he woke up, giving her the loop code and informing her of their progress so far. Getting the chemicals she needed was easy with KID’s extensive network. He’d had need for various chemicals over the years and heists, so it was good to know his contacts would still come in handy.

When Kaito knocked, the little girl opened the door and held out her hand expectantly. Kaito handed off one plastic bag full of supplies. The others he kept, knowing they would be too heavy for her to carry.

“Where do you want these?” he asked.

“The kitchen counter for now,” she said, already divvying up the bottles and boxes. “The poison should be easy with the formula, so I’ll begin work on the antidote. You wrote down the formula, correct?”

“You said you only needed these two pages and the items on this list,” Kaito said, handing off the stuff he’d written that morning before he’d gone on his chemical scavenger hunt.

Haibara took the offered papers and looked them over before nodding, “I will be working in my lab downstairs. If I need you, I will call for you.”

“Okay…?” Now Kaito was curious.

Haibara glared at him, “Do not come down without my permission. If you startle me, I could mix the wrong substances and cause an explosion.”

Kaito had already experienced something similar with the Black Org. scientist. He was _not_ looking forward to a repeat. He grimaced, “Got it.”

“Good.” Haibara nodded and took the first sack down.

“Do you need help with the-?”

“No,” she replied coolly and disappeared downstairs.

“Well, okay then,” Kaito said to himself. He now had hours of free time until Haibara needed him. Since this was the first time he’d done this, he wasn’t sure when, exactly, she would finish, so he had to stick around, unfortunately. Then again, there wasn’t exactly much for him to go out and _do_ , seeing as it would be undone the next day.

Spotting a TV and couch, he made himself comfortable and picked up the remote. Time to settle in for the long haul. Channel 1 would keep him entertained for the day… probably.

Hours passed. Haibara came up time and again for various chemicals and elements; sometimes for coffee. Kaito would look up, expectantly, but she’d go back down and he’d be left alone again.

Sighing, he flipped to a news channel which was showing the challenge for KID on it. Those insane eyes of Ishimoto stared back at him.

How long had Ishimoto lasted?

For Kaito, it had been 119 days.

How many times had Ishimoto committed suicide, trying to end it?

Kaito had tried 34 different ways so far.

How _insane_ had it made him that Ishimoto would commit suicide _after_ KID had freed him from his curse?

...Would Kaito do that too? In the end?

Kaito shuddered. In the beginning, it would have been a resounding ‘No’, but now? After all these days? Half a _year_ of February 13th?

Kaito’s not sure how he’d handle a new, _actually new_ , day.

His ruminating was cut off when Haibara dropped onto the couch next to him. Her head was low and shoulders sagging with a burden Kaito didn’t know. Kaito straightened up.

“Subject 0001 for antidote to Apotoxin 4869,” she said, voice rough with exhaustion, “suffered cranial hemorrhaging. Result: Failure.”

Kaito didn’t know what to say. ‘You’ll do better next time’ didn’t fit, because there was no next time, not for this Haibara.

“This is the formula I tried,” she said, handing off a half-sheet of paper, “Memorize it and the results.”

Taking it from her, Kaito memorized it (easily) only to freeze when he felt a weight against his arm. Glancing down, he found Haibara leaning against him, head still low.

 _Must be really tired._ Kaito thought as he put an arm around her to keep her steady. _A nap won’t hurt her…_

Kaito leaned his head back, craning to see a clock. The time said 4:00pm, so he’d wake her up in an hour or two for dinner.

So thinking, Kaito closed his eyes.

@            @            @            @            @

He accidentally fell asleep.

*             *             *             *             *

“Subject 0002, suffered rupture of the spleen. Immune system when septic.”

@            @            @            @            @

“Subject 0023, total nervous system shut down. Unable to restart subject’s heart.”

@            @            @            @            @

“Subject 0047, optical nerves had an unexpected negative reaction. Subject eyes have literally melted.”

@            @            @            @            @

“Subject 63, experienced seeping boils all over the body and on numerous internal organs,” Haibara listed off, “Subject died ten minutes into the test.”

Kaito wrote out the notes on her latest experiment to better memorize, (and hopefully not spend as much time trying to copy her handwriting the next day). He looked up, a smile-grimace on his lips, “You know, I would feel bad for the rat that had to die multiple times for those experiments if I didn’t know it’d be alive tomorrow.”

Haibara was quiet for a long time, then, “Did I tell you it was a rat?”

Kaito blinked and looked up at her. For the first time since she came up from her lab, she looked him in the eye. Indigo to reddened, tearful brown and in that instance, Kaito realized what she meant.

But he didn’t believe.

Ignoring the call of his name, he raced down the stairs only to come upon a horrific sight.

Conan –Kudou Shinichi – _Tantei-kun_ strapped to an exam table, covered with boils that seeped blood. His chest was cut open like an autopsy, as if Haibara didn’t already know what caused his death. It was painful to look at, but even more so were the dull, glassy blue eyes that should have been filled with suspicion, joy, sadness – _anything_ but death.

“Kuroba-san, I can explain-!” Haibara started, but Kaito wasn’t listening. Instead, he searched the room for the vial of ‘antidote’ (ha!) that had been the cause of Tantei-kun’s death. He found it lying next to a half-full syringe.

He didn’t think twice before grabbing it and plunging it into his own flesh.

It was painful. It felt like his skin was boiling, like his organs were angry buzzing bees. The copper taste of blood filled his mouth, but Kaito didn’t care.

As long as he didn’t have to keep looking at the sight before him, he didn’t care. But he knew.

He knew the sight of Shinichi’s mutilated corpse would be forever burned into his brain.

@            @            @            @            @

Akako had always wanted Kuroba Kaito to admit to being Kaitou KID, but not like this. Never like this.

The man before her was not the energetic magician she knew. This man was old beyond his years and tired beyond his mind’s limit. The change from seeing him yesterday to now was so great, Akako almost mistook him for someone else.

“ _Tears of Saints_ ,” Kuroba said from his place on the couch. His posture screamed defeat in a way his Poker Face would never allow. He was hunched, leaning his elbows to his knees and hanging his clasped hands in the space between them. His eyes were downcast, looking at her coffee table, but not really seeing it.

Akako was brought out of her observation by quiet words, “Ever heard of it?”

Akako took a moment to think of the jewel the name brought to mind. Frowning, she replied, “It is a gem of the most cursed nature. Keep away from it if you can.”

“If I can’t? If it’s too late?” Kaito pressed with no urgency in his voice.

“Have someone take it from you,” Akako advised.

“Not an option.”

Her frown deepened with concern, “Confess to your loved one. The legend tells of the curse being broken by love.”

“Also not an option,” One hand came up to run through his already messy hair, but it stopped at his forehead, effectively covering his eyes. “Is there no third option?”

Brow furrowed in confusion, Akako asked, “Do you not love Nakamori-san?”

“I love her. She loves me,” Kaito answered, “but she doesn’t love KID.”

Akako should be overjoyed at the admission, knowing Nakamori-san would never work out, but instead her heart clenched. She drew herself back, folding her arms over her ample bosom. “Is there no one else?”

Kaito shook his head.

Akako rested her cheek in her palm, “I would say to try and find space in your heart for me… but if the love of your childhood was not enough, I’m afraid my love for you would be even less effective.”

“So there’s really no other way?” Both hands now covered his face. If Akako didn’t know any better, she’d say he was crying. But his voice didn’t shake, didn’t sound raw in any way. It just sounded tired.

“I will converse with the spirits,” she said, rising from her seat, “Perhaps they will know. Remain here until I return.”

She waited until he nodded in acknowledgement and then turned to leave. She stopped in her room to change into appropriate attire and ordered her butler to setup for a séance. Once everything was setup, she called for her most favored spirit.

“Can you tell me, o spirit, a way to end the suffering of Kaitou KID?” Akako asked as humbly as she could manage. After all, an angry spirit was a malevolent one.

A voice filled the air, loud as a thousand screams and quiet as a single whisper, “ _You should know by now, Koizumi Akako, I do not liked to be asked the same question more than once._ ”

Akako stilled, keeping her eyes down, “May I know how many times I have asked?”

“ _Another repeated question_ ,” the spirit replied, “ _But I shall answer. Three times you have called upon me with this question. Twice, I have answered._ ”

Akako cursed herself quietly. When dealing with the ‘other’, she walked a fine line. Unfortunately, she didn’t remember ever asking the first question.

“ _Due to Kaitou KID’s situation, I will be lenient. But only this once,_ ” the spirit continued, “ _The answer has changed from then and now. Before, your words were his only salvation._ ”

“And now?”

“ _Now, the young raven that flies with the cardinal may hold an olive branch for the dove with clipped wings. But first, the raven must grow and eat the crows. Only then may the dove find solace in its coop.”_ The spirit left after it had finished weaving its vague message.

Akako breathed a sigh of relief and left her butler to clean up. The answer was spoken only once, but it had imprinted itself upon her mind. This would surely be the answer Kuroba desperately needed.

But, when she returned to the greeting area, Kuroba Kaito was gone.

*             *             *             *             *

Kaito stood on Professor Agasa’s doorstep, fingering the gun in his hand. It used to be the card gun, but he’d stripped the modifications off and bought a few metallic bullets for the chamber. One bullet, really.

One was all he needed.

He knocked on the door and waited, eyes downcast as the door opened.

“Can I help you?” Kaito flinched at the sound of that voice, Tantei – _Shinichi’s_ voice and risked the small climb of his gaze to look at his… friend? Ally? Victim?

Blue eyes peered back, fronting an innocent look, but swimming with suspicion in their depths. A flash and they were dull and glassy, skin around them covered with oozing wounds.

Kaito blinked and Shinichi was back to normal.

_“Subject 0016, skin, muscles, and bones separated.”_

Kaito closed his eyes against the mental image.

_“Subject 0033, expelled internal organs through the mouth.”_

Kaito squeeze his eyes shut tighter, tears building up at the corners.

_“Subject 0054, brain melted out the ears.”_

Kaito swallowed back bile.

Kaito couldn’t handle another episode of… that. He’d rather die –even if it had no lasting effect. (Maybe, if he splattered his brains far enough, over and over enough, his memories wouldn't be so clear.)

“Shinichi…” Kaito saw those crystal blue eyes widen in shock, but he ignored the effect they had on him to cock his gun. “I’m sorry.”

He put the gun to his own temple.

“O-oi! What are you doing?!” the boy demanded, features stricken with fear.

Kaito didn't answer, instead flipping the safety off his gun and pulling the trigger in one long motion.

A yell, a bang, and Kaito was on the ground, but… he wasn’t dead? The world wasn’t going dark and he didn’t feel any pain. Was he free of his eternal time loop? Or was he trapped in a new hell?

A gasp drew his attention to the open door where Haibara stood, pale-faced and shaking. Why? She never cared about him before he started rattling off chemical formulas. And where had Shinichi…?

Kaito startled at the smell of blood and the feel of liquid on the fingers of one hand –where the gun should have been.

“No…” he breathed, what little air left in his lungs escaping painfully. He scrambled to his knees, “No, no no nononono!”

Shinichi lay face down on the sidewalk, blood pooling under his body. Kaito’s fingers trembled as he reached towards the still body, but… he couldn’t. He couldn’t live with this!

He reached for his gun, putting it to his head and pulling the trigger, but-!

The cartridges were empty.

“Don’t move!” Haibara screamed, holding a gun of her own. Kaito jerked, but she took a step back, looking as if she might run.

“Please,” he begged. She couldn’t run. She was his only hope. “Do it, please!”

“What?” fear and confusion swam on her face.

“It wasn’t supposed to be him!” Kaito begged, “It was supposed to be me! _It was supposed to be me!_ ”

“I…” her hands trembled, gun slowly lowering, “I ca-!”

“What are you doing?” Kaito demanded, his voice cracking. He viciously ignored the tears streaming down his face, “ _Shoot me!_ ”

“I can’t!” Haibara shouted, tears in her own eyes, “The gun, it’s not-!”

Kaito lunged at her.

She pulled the trigger.

A bouquet of fake flowers popped out the end.

It was a fake gun. It was _fake_.

It was _fake_ and Shinichi was still dead and Kaito was _still alive –why was he alive it should have been Shinichi!_

Kaito bit down on his tongue until blood welled up in his mouth, until the pain started to bore into his blind panic, until muscle severed from muscle.

He swallowed and kept himself from himself from puking. His hands came up to clutch at his throat, but he didn’t cough the obstacle out. He fell to his side, lips turning blue, but still he didn’t allow himself to breathe. Haibara was at his side, yelling at him, but he refused his body its instincts.

After several painful, scary, _breath-less_ moments, the darkness finally stole him away.

The sight of Shinichi only feet away, face pale in death, burned itself into Kaito’s mind, made worse than the experiment by one factor –it had been Kaito’s fault.

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito woke up and still felt the need to put a bullet in his own head, but… another urge overpowered that. The urge to know Shinichi was okay, was _alive._

Wasn’t lying on the front walk, bleeding out. Wasn’t strapped to an exam table, cut open like some _cadaver_. Wasn’t _dead because of Kaito._

He called Haibara, told her the code, their _progress_ (the thought of it had him rushing to the bathroom after the call).

He didn’t go after the chemicals. He couldn’t allow a replay of the previous days ( _months_ , his mind correcting _63 days, 63 attempts, 6 4 times Shinichi died_).

He couldn’t stomach Aoko’s breakfast. He knew she felt something was off with him, but he didn’t have the energy to hide it.

All his focus was getting to Shinichi and making sure he was okay.

Logically, he knew the boy was. Every day started anew. Every time Kaito died, he came back. Every time he got injured, it disappeared. Every time he _changed_ something, it reverted back.

That didn’t keep the images from building up in his mind, making his stomach twist and his breath hitch.

When he knew, for sure, that Shinichi would be at the professor’s house, Kaito found himself on the door step, a sickening sense of déjà vu rolling over him.

 _It’s okay_ , he told himself, _no gun this time. Nothing to hurt him. Nothing to-!_

Conan opened the door, “Hi, are you looking for Professor Agasa?”

Kaito didn’t immediately answer, taking the time to look Shinichi over, so – _so_ –glad he was alive. _Still alive,_ Kaito’s mind said, _never died. He’s okay. He’s okay-!_

“Um, can I help you?” the boy’s look turned suspicious, then as surprised as Kaito when tears slid down the magician’s face, “Are you hurt-?”

The boy cut off when Kaito dropped to his knees, so relieved his legs gave out from under him. The boy fluttered around him, calling for the professor and Haibara as he hesitantly reached out for Kaito.

Without thinking, Kaito grabbed him, desperately wrapping his arms around the boy’s small body. “I’m so sorry, Shinichi! Never again! I won’t ever-! _Never again!_ ”

The boy stiffened at the use of his real name and the unexpected contact. Then –against all odds –raised one small hand to pat Kaito’s back. Kaito felt his tears multiply.

Shinichi really was too kind.

*             *             *             *             *

“The poison only works on one in a million subjects,” Haibara explained. She and Kaito had ensconced themselves in her lab, Kudou forced to remain outside their conversation.

“In order to test the antidote, the subject must show signs of the poison already,” Haibara continued, “Blood samples only show so much. I need a live subject, one that I can observe and make corrections for. That’s why Kudou-kun must be the one to test it.”

“Use me instead,” Kaito demanded, quietly. His shoulders were still hunched from that morning, from being _forgiven_ by a Shinichi that didn’t even know why Kaito was crying.

“Didn’t you _just_ hear-?”

“I’ll take the Apotoxin and shrink. Then I’ll take the antidote. We just need to know if I survive, right.” Kaito reasoned, “Shinichi and I look similar enough, my DNA must be close enough for the Apotoxin to work.”

Haibara hesitated, but agreed.

Kaito was wrong.

He didn’t shrink.

@            @            @            @            @

He didn’t shrink the second time either.

@            @            @            @            @

Or the third time.

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito has heard it been said, “The definition of insanity is attempting the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

He just might be going insane.

He doesn’t care.

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito admits to himself that this wasn’t working. He knows that Haibara will keep doing it, so long as Kaito says they never tried before. He can keep being the sacrificial lamb as long as need be…

But it doesn’t _get them anywhere_.

At some point, he has to stop and try something else.

So, instead of using himself, he steals a rat from the local pet store.

Haibara is just as amiable to use the poison on the rat, especially when Kaito explains that, yes he really _does_ have an infinite amount of time to waste on finding a substitute for Shinichi.

The rat doesn’t make it, but it gives Kaito ideas.

@            @            @            @            @

He tries every mammal in the pet store, some twice (he really can’t tell the difference between rats or any other kind of rodent).

He tried every pet store in the area.

He tries the Tokyo Zoo.

He finally finds what he’s looking for, 68 days after he started his search. ( _255 days since the beginning_ , his mind reminded him, as if ticking down time to some unseen conclusion.)

@            @            @            @            @

“Here.” Kaito said, dropping the monkey into Haibara’s arms. The girl looked like she had been handed a live grenade, “Mim-Mim reacts to the poison. He’s your new lab rat, not Tantei-kun.”

Kaito didn’t realize Haibara looked so guilty and tense until she relaxed, smiling a secret smile beneath her bangs. She hadn’t wanted to use Shinichi any more than he did.

“What was that about me?” Shinichi asked, having followed Kaito from where he barged in.

“Nothing.” Kaito smiled, keeping his eyes trained on Shinichi’s forehead as the boy huffed, “Everything’s good! You can go home now!”

“Hah! Like I’d leave you alone with Haibara!” Shinichi crossed his arms.

“You don’t trust me, Tantei-kun?” Kaito wiped away a fake tear and held his hand dramatically to his heart. “I’m hurt.”

“You haven’t given me a reason to yet.” Shinichi said, and that…

Kaito’s heart ached.

Because this Shinichi didn’t know Kaito had gotten the formula for APTX 4869 from the Black Organization. He didn’t know Kaito had killed himself for it – _been_ killed multiple times. He didn’t know that Kaito wouldn’t pull anything because Kaito couldn’t _deal_ with the sight of another dead Shinichi.

He didn’t know.

He never would.

@            @            @            @            @

“Hello?” Shinichi answered the door the next day. He gave Kaito and the monkey on his arm a suspicious look.

“What are you doing here?” Kaito asked, irritated. He still felt guilty about killing Shinichi before. He’d… rather not have the boy around, just in case.

“I called him so that you would have some company as I worked,” Haibara said, taking the monkey from Kaito’s hands. “Allies should get to know each other.”

Except Kaito didn’t _want_ to. Not when Shinichi wouldn’t remember.

Grumbling, Kaito made his way to the couch/table set and turned on the TV. He watched all of channel 63 last time, before he… found out about Haibara’s lab rat. So today he’d start in on channel 64.

Kaito had just made himself comfortable when a voice spoke beside him.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

Kaito froze, a blank look plastered on his face. When he unglued his jaw, the words that tumbled out were, “What are you talking about?”

“You look at my forehead or my ear,” Shinichi said, observant as ever. He narrowed his eyes at Kaito, “Why? Avoiding eye contact is a basic admittance of guilt. You’re Kaitou KID, though, you don’t show anything beyond your poker face. So, the guilt you’re feeling is greater than you know what to do with.”

Kaito swallowed thickly.

“So I’ll ask again,” Shinichi said, “Why won’t you look at me?”

“I…” Kaito wet his lips, suddenly parched. A lie. He could do a lie, Shinichi would never have to know, but when he opened his mouth, “I killed you.”

Shinichi startled a step back. Kaito hurried to explain, “I didn’t mean to! That bullet was for me! But you, you just-! In the way! And-!”

“I sure _hope_ I did!” Shinichi stood on the couch next to Kaito, suddenly angry, “What were you thinking?! There’s _never_ a good reason to kill yourself! I don’t care _what_ your circumstances are!”

“But… but I-! The things I’ve done-!” Kaito tried to protest, but Shinichi rolled right over him.

“Every life is precious, no matter who it belongs to.” Shinichi stated, “A thief, a murderer, an innocent –no matter what! Do you understand?”

Kaito stared at Shinichi with wide eyes, “Y-Yeah…”

“Good,” Shinichi nodded to himself. His cheeks tinted red, like he was embarrassed over his small outburst. He dropped down to sit on the couch beside Kaito, all the attention in those sharp blue eyes on him, “Now, tell me what you’ve done so far. I need to know what else I should research.”

The subject changed, but Shinichi words…

Kaito wrote them on his heart, burning them into his psyche where they would be his companion until this looping hell ended.

@            @            @            @            @

Channel 68 was another news channel, with the interview of Ishimoto Doushin and challenge to KID. Teeth grinding together, Kaito changed the channel, wishing he could hit the soft rubber buttons of the remote harder.

He threw the remote onto the coffee table in front of him instead. It almost had the same desired effect.

“Why did you change the channel?” Shinichi asked from where he was sat at a computer, researching, “Aren’t you going to plan a heist? You were challenged.”

“I already have,” Kaito answered as he leaned his head back to look at Shinichi upside-down. He plastered on a smile.

Shinichi frowned at him, his narrowed eyes searching, “How many times?”

_27 times I actually showed. 262 times total._

“I don’t remember.”

A blatant lie.

@            @            @            @            @

“I think…” Shinichi started one day, eyes staring hard at his screen, “I found the story your friend was talking about.”

Kaito looked up, slightly interested. He’d wondered how Shinichi found new stuff each day. Sure, he told Kaito to remember a few clues, but Kaito couldn’t string them together to make anything consistent –not like he could with Haibara and her formulas.

But if Shinichi said he found something, he must have reached the end of his lead.

“Hit me with it,” Kaito said, turning off the television and giving Shinichi all of his attention.

“The story goes that a prince was to marry the princess of another kingdom and bond the kingdoms together.” Shinichi started, “however, there was a servant who had lived and grown with the prince in his castle. The two would play as children, but parted when they were grown. Despite their different classes, the servant loved the prince more than life itself. When it came time for the prince to leave the castle and marry his wife, the servant begged the gods to prevent the union. The servant’s prayers were answered. The gods took the tears the servant had poured out and formed a very unique gem. As soon as night fell and the prince left the castle, the servant hung themselves in their grief.”

 _Well, that’s depressing_ … Kaito thought.

“However, come morning, the servant arose, healthy and whole, the gem in their hand and the prince awaiting his departure. This happened many times over, day after day after day, until the servant begged the gods to end the loop.” Shinichi frowned into his cup. “The gods were not happy with the thankless servant and so said this: You asked of us to prevent the union of your beloved and so it has come to pass. The union shall never happen, so long as your curse remains. To break the curse is to allow the union.”

“What does that mean?” Kaito asked, lips pulling tight.

“For the servant, it meant confessing their feelings to the prince.” Shinichi leaned back and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. “The prince in the story felt the same as the servant, but believed it was his duty to marry the foreign princess. Swayed by the servant, the prince called off the marriage to the princess and instead married the servant that day –breaking the curse with his union to another.”

“So the gem is preventing me from going forward, because it’s preventing something from unfolding?” Kaito wondered aloud, “But there’s nothing I want to stop. No one I love is getting married!”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help more.” Tantei-kun truly looked like he was sorry, “But with the notes you gave me from… _other me’s_ , I can’t think of any path I haven’t tried, any lead I haven’t tracked down. I have nothing else for you.”

“It’s fine,” Kaito said, even though it _wasn’t_ , “It was a long shot anyway.”

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito decided that, if every day was like this –him and Shinichi playing chess, or reading together, or trying and failing to cook like the food channel did –Kaito… could be okay with that.

Haibara was on Subject 0083 and didn’t seem even _close_ to finding an antidote. If she never did…

Kaito couldn’t say he’d be sad.

@            @            @            @            @

“Shin-chan!” Kaito cooed, glomping the boy at the door.

The boy twitched, “Please don’t call me that.”

“Aw, but we’re friends! You need a nickname!”

“I don’t know you well enough for that!”

“But I know you,” Kaito pointed out. Shinichi stiffened at the reminder of Kaito’s predicament.

Finally, tiny shoulders relaxed, “Fine.”

And so, Tantei-kun became Shin-chan.

@            @            @            @            @

“Shin-chan!”

“Don’t call me that.”

Oh well, it’d been fun while it lasted.

@            @            @            @            @

Kaito had become so comfortable with the day in, day out of Shinichi and his little quirks that he… was honestly surprised when Haibara came up with a live monkey still in her arms.

“Subject 0086,” she said, an exhausted, but bright smile on her face, “Success.”

Kaito should have felt happy, should have been _ecstatic_ that Shinichi was going to get his own body back, that at least _his_ dreams would be filled.

Instead, Kaito felt… hollow.

 “This is it,” Shinichi said, rolling the pill between his fingers. Haibara had given it to him while Kaito processed the sudden change to his rhythm.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Haibara said. She pushed a piece of paper into Kaito’s hands for him to memorize (he did, a little stunned), “I’ll be asleep. If you need me, _don’t_ need me.”

“You ready?” Kaito asked.

“Don’t you already know?” Shinichi asked, then flushed, “Wait, today’s the first day, right? The monkey… you wouldn’t have brought it if you knew the antidote worked.”

Well… Kaito could still bring a monkey the next day and pretend that they were still looking for the antidote. He could _always_ do that, could return to these days with Shinichi and him and no one else.

But the happy, _relieved_ look on Shinichi’s face.

Kaito sighed inwardly.

“Ran and I…” Shinichi began, “You wouldn’t know if she gets mad, would you?”

And like that, Kaito’s world fractured.

That’s right. Shinichi had someone he was fighting for, _returning to_. He… would not want to keep spending day after day _after day_ with Kaito. He would want to move forward, to return to his ‘nee-chan’ and his previous life and-!

Shinichi – _Tantei-kun_ wasn’t his.

Kaito swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“I can watch,” Kaito said, “For the you of tomorrow.”

“No,” Tantei-kun decided after a moment observing Kaito, “I don’t want you to see that.”

He swallowed the pill dry. The action make Kaito want to cough in sympathy, but then Tantei-kun doubled over, a pained gasp escaping him.

“Tantei-kun?” Kaito asked, worriedly.

The boy fell off the couch, clutching his heart, another pained gasp wrenching itself from his lips. He started to convulse. Kaito dropped to his knees beside him, eyes wide and hands reaching but not _touching, never touching, can’t touch, can’t hurt, can’t cause that to happen again!_

Why was this happening?! Haibara said the antidote worked! Why was Tantei-kun in _pain_?!

Tantei-kun let out an agonized _scream_ , then fell silent, _still_.

Kaito felt his heart stop. His hands shook. He wasn’t able to _breathe_.

_Had Tantei-kun… did he just-!?_

Then, before his eyes, the small body he was so used to shifted and _grew_. Slowly at first, then accelerating as if time had suddenly started up again and decided to make up for its pause. Tantei-kun’s clothes bunched and pulled and _split_ as the volume of bones, skin and muscle quickly exceeded their limits. The entire transformation took only minutes.

Kaito felt like hours had dragged by.

Then Tantei-kun – _Kudou_ coughed violently, curling his shaking limbs close as he slowly regained consciousness.

Kaito wanted to hug him. He wanted to cry in relief, to touch Kudou and kiss him and be _happy_ for him.

He went next door for clothes instead.

“Is…” Kaito paused as he handed Kudou a shirt that only _faintly_ smelled of dust. “Is it supposed to hurt?”

Kudou gave him a dry look, “I’m literally aging ten years in a matter of minutes. The change in bone mass and muscle mass has to be made up somehow. I’m sure Haibara did all she could to keep it from causing me to go into shock. I’m happy with the results.”

Kaito wasn’t.

A quick check up after Haibara awoke (notes memorized by Kaito) and Kudou was out the door, on his way to meet Ran for the first time in a long time as himself.

Kaito stayed behind.

@            @            @            @            @

“How does she take it?” Tantei-kun asked.

Kaito looked up from his book, taking in the other’s drawn shoulders, “I don’t know?”

“You don’t-?” Tantei-kun frowned, “How could you not? You seem to know everything.”

“You didn’t want me to watch,” Kaito said truthfully. That seemed to make the detective pause. Tantei-kun looked down, rolling the miracle pill between his fingers in thought.

“Watch this time,” Tantei-kun finally decided. Then he swallowed the pill.

Watching Tantei-kun convulse wasn’t any easier the second time around.

But at least Kaito had grabbed clothes ahead of time.

*             *             *             *             *

Kaito wished he never suggested this.

Kudou and Mouri were walking down the street together –just walking, hands occasionally brushing together, but never quite catching and holding. The couple were exploring the new shops that had popped up during Kudou’s ‘absence’, Mouri point out a few of her favorites.

The scene was only faintly romantic. Kaito should not feel jealousy in the pit of his stomach.

He did anyway.

An hour passed like that, the couple traveling the shops and parks, Kaito trailing behind –sometimes on the ground, mostly by rooftop. Suddenly, Kudou stopped her and pulled her to the side. Her posture was open, curious. His was tense, guilty.

Kaito wasn’t close enough to hear what they said, but he could see it wasn’t going well.

As Kudou spoke, Mouri’s body language got more and more upset. Her head started to shake and Kudou reached out, to comfort or keep her from running, Kaito didn’t know, but she didn’t allow it. She pushed him away and ran down the street, not seeming to care _where_ as long as it was away. Kudou was left standing all by his lonesome as the sun began to set.

Kaito should feel bad, should feel _sorry_ for Kudou that it hadn’t worked out between him and his childhood friend. Kaito should feel _bad_ that the other man went through so much, _strived to return to his love_ , only to be rejected. Kaito should feel bad…

But he didn’t.

@            @            @            @            @

“She was upset.” Kaito said carefully. His face was blank, politely interested. None of his vindictive joy could be seen, nor his disparaging pain that Tantei-kun would keep trying.

“That I lied to her,” Tantei-kun’s shoulders sagged.

“That you lied…” Kaito confirmed. He had made sure to ask Kudou the day before, so he could report more accurately (and for his own unwanted desire), “and that you mis-directed her when she came close to finding out.”

Tantei-kun winced, “Tell me how it all went down. I… I want to see if I can change that.”

It hurt, but it was what Tantei-kun asked of it.

So Kaito did.

@            @            @            @            @

 “She cried.”

“Tell me everything.”

@            @            @            @            @

 “She pushed you off a bridge. By accident, I think.”

“*Sigh* tell me everything.”

@            @            @            @            @

 “She kicked you in the gonads.”

“... I’m not sure I want to know.”

@            @            @            @            @

 “Ugh!” Tantei-kun threw his hands up in defeat as Kaito finished his latest retelling, “I can’t ever do it right! Is she _ever_ happy when I come back?”

Kaito frowned, “Not… when you tell her about Conan.”

“So… I just…” Tantei-kun winced, “Don’t tell her?”

Kaito shrugged. It was something the boy hadn’t tried yet. It wasn’t likely to fair better. Kaito didn’t tell him that.

Tantei-kun sighed and swallowed the pill dry.

@            @            @            @            @

 “Is she _ever_ happy when I come back?”

Kaito flinched.

Tantei-kun took the motion as an answer, “Not even if I don’t tell her about Conan?”

“You tried that,” Kaito said slowly, memory the most fresh in his mind, “You two meet, go on a date to the Bell Tree Tower. You romance her so much she forgets you were ever gone. The two of you walk back to your house, the sun nearly set for the night…”

Tantei-kun looked so hopeful; Kaito _hated_ to recount what happens next, “A black Porsche 356A drives by your house as you reach the front door. There’s no gunshot, but the next moment, you’re holding her in your arms as she bleeds out.”

The growing look of horror on Tantei-kun’s face has Kaito’s stomach shriveling up inside.

“What if-?”

“She drowns.”

“What about-?”

“Dies trying to diffuse a bomb.”

“And-?”

“Thrown off Tokyo Tower,” Kaito continued, not waiting for the questions to come, “Sniper from 500 yards. Poisoned drink. Knife in the bathroom. Hanging.”

Tantei-kun’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he asked in a shaky voice, “How many times have I done this?”

“Too many,” Kaito replied, not able to bring himself to look at the detective.

“And she never…?”

“The times she does, you die,” Kaito answered truthfully. He tried not to think of those times. He knows his smile is shaky, but it’s made up of what’s left of his Poker Face after… ( _302 days_ , his mind cries at the thought), “Which… kind of defeats the purpose of taking the antidote, neh?”

“So we never get together? We never have our happy ending?” Kaito can’t help _but_ look up now, at the heartbroken look on his detective’ face. “Ran and I… aren’t meant to be?”

“Not as long as the Black Organization is still active,” Kaito replied.

“The Black Organization…” Tantei-kun’s gaze turned from broken to defiant, new goal now in mind, “What happens when we defeat them?”

“I don’t know,” Kaito shrugged.

“You don’t know? How could you not know? You seem-!”

“To know everything?” Kaito finished, eyebrow raised, “I know everything I’ve seen or been a part of.”

“Then we haven’t tried to take down the Black Organization yet,” the look on Tantei-kun’s face was… excited. It made Kaito breathe easier. His detective would be okay. “So we’ll start there. I have friends in the FBI I can call and a few inside sources that will be willing to feed us info about their current hideout.”

“I’ve got all the info you need,” Kaito said, tapping his temple, “I had to get that formula somewhere, you know.”

“I… hadn’t thought of that,” Tantei-kun frowned, “I forgot you had already lived this day.”

 _Far too many times_. Kaito added silently, some fragile thing in his chest clawing at him, begging for it to end. _Far too many..._

 

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE Jan. 20, 2018: I have fanart! :D Corpi drew fanart of the point where Kaito goes to Conan, gun in hand. I am not sure how to link straight to it, but here's Corpi's site!  
> http://ciao-corpi.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> If you want to say "Good job!" or "Sequel please!" just leave a Kudo (or a Kaito, the Kudous are all getting lonely).
> 
> If you have some constructive criticism, please leave a comment below. I am trying to improve my writing skills, so any advice is appreciated. :)


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